zhautasmods: (Default)
Zhautas ([personal profile] zhautasmods) wrote in [community profile] sexyspace2018-06-25 07:10 am
Entry tags:

TEST DRIVE MEME #2

Awakening
Artificial lights assault your eyes. It takes a few blinks for them to adjust properly. Quiet mechanical whirs and clicks sound in the small, sparse space that you had likely been corralled into before being put to sleep for the long journey. As grogginess fades away and lucidity starts to take hold, you begin to remember where you are and why you’re here on this spaceship thousands of light years away from home and perhaps everything and everyone you’ve ever known.

The multiverse is sick. It’s dying. And it’s up to you to save it. Or, at least, that’s what the Zenith Corporation had told you when they announced their search for a cure across the multiverse. They hand-picked individuals to be "volunteers" for the next stage of experimentation. Maybe they made it sound dire, maybe you already had your mind set to help, or maybe the specifics of how you could help was vague. Considering the alternative was wasting away on your home planet with no promise of when this cure might actually come to fruition, it ultimately wasn’t much of a choice either way.

Everything comes to life the more awake that you start to feel. "Good morning, volunteer," sounds a synthetic, feminine voice in your ear. That must be one of the fancy features they advertised about the chip that was injected just beneath your skin. A projected HUD above your torso displays and scrolls through several readings about the state of your being. "A scan of your vital signs show that everything is functioning as normal." There’s a small pause. "Wait-" The spike of alarm that should follow that single, distressed-sounding word is accompanied by a light chime. "Emotional responses are still accurate, too. Thank you for your cooperation!" Without any further explanation or allowing for protest, she continues on. "I hope you enjoyed your nap! We’ll be descending to planet #05031941 - common name designated as Zhautas - in approximately three hours. There will be a brief orientation for all volunteers exactly one hour before landing. Due to potential unnatural stress levels upon awakening from stasis, I suggest a relaxing trip to the garden beforehand."

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.
My name is R.O.S.I.E. and, on behalf of all of us at the Zenith Corporation, we’re happy to have you aboard.
Code Credit

Say Aloe (Prospective Players Only)


Red lights lead the way to the gym, green will be your path to the gardens, ostignuh is- Wait, what do you mean the color ostignuh is burning your eyes? Huh. They must have over-corrected for your species. Oh, well. They’ll fix that for the next trip. For now, don’t worry about it. It probably didn’t lead to anything important anyway!

  1. The staff is much more attentive this time than they were with the first wave of volunteers. Poor feedback and the threat of losing their jobs if they don't improve their standing will do that! Unfortunately, it isn't just the colors that have been over-corrected. Despite how many times you tell the very helpful staff member that you're fine, they won't leave you alone. Are you sure? They can walk with you if you'd like. They can even hold your hand if you're overwhelmed! If there's anything you need, they're here for you.

    Maybe if you find a buddy to walk you to your destination they might divert their attention to a different volunteer. The buddy system is pretty fool-proof, after all.

  2. As you draw closer to the gardens, the lights in the hallway begin to dim. In fact, the only available source of illumination for a small distance is the thin green line across the floor guiding your way. Careful not to trip! There's handy railing to hold onto or maybe you accidentally grab the arm of that (hopefully) cute person nearby. It's kind of hard to tell and green isn't really a flattering color anyway.

    Suddenly, you're stepping into a wide open space of twilight. Iridescent flowers dot the landscape for as far as the eye can see. They come in all different shapes, sizes, and glow softly in this simulated night-scape. Trees of shining magenta leaves and blue bark wind up to the stars. Or, at least, the viewing panels that allow the stars to be seen from inside the ship. Not to worry, it's entirely safe and beautiful!

    The featured flower of this month is the Nykt Blossom. Be warned, however, that inhaling its pollen causes increased levels of oxytocin. This will cause you to feel compelled to bond socially with others. That is, you might find yourself a lot more friendly than usual! Maybe a little too friendly, even, if you're especially susceptible to its effects.

  3. It's very easy to miss the warning signs in this dark as you step into the section of the garden that houses the more alien plant-life.

    They'll fix that for the future, of course, but for now many volunteers are likely finding themselves subject to the same unfortunate circumstances. Coitendrils are in abundance here; they're a pretty touchy feely species. It's a plant that thrives in warm conditions and grows at an incredibly fast rate to seek out these cozy spots. As it turns out, your body warmth is the highest temperature around and exactly what it's looking for.

    Before you know it, long green tendrils are suddenly growing around your arms or legs in speedy spirals. They get everywhere in a matter of mere seconds. Their growth is aggressive, finding ways beneath the fabric of whatever clothes you happen to be wearing and to the skin below. The only way to reverse their growing hold is to cool yourself off and fast. Maybe someone can grab you some ice?
Orientation (Prospective Players Only)

Around an hour before landing, an announcement is made to everyone aboard the ship. It’s time to find your way to the amphitheater for orientation. If anyone gripes, they are reminded that it has mandatory safety information that the Zenith Corporation is legally required to cover. In fact, there's even a quiz at the end to make sure you understand all the technical ins and outs! The Zenith Corporation only has your best interests at heart. They also can’t afford another lawsuit or PR nightmare but who can, really? It’s only a half an hour long and R.O.S.I.E. reassures everyone that it will go by faster than they think.
  1. Are you way too cool for school? If you try to play hookey, the crew members of the spaceship are already on guard. You're not the first one to try this and they doubt you'll be the last. Try as you might to super sleuth your way around, there’ll be someone at apparently every single turn and twist you try.

    It’s also very likely that in scrambling to find a place to hide you’ll run into someone else breaking the rules! Perhaps great minds think alike and you decide to try to defy the system together. Or maybe they’re totally just getting in your way and you decide instead to throw them to the wolves to give yourself a better chance at escaping certain boredom that is an informational seminar. The choice is yours, volunteer!

  2. Whether you come to the orientation willingly or are dragged in by one of the staff, you’ll quickly realize just how bad R.O.S.I.E. lied. A half an hour feels almost like ten hours instead. The last time you checked your watch, it was somehow later than when you check it now. Is time going backward? It sure seems like it the longer you listen to the monotone voice read over colored flavor text clearly meant to engage but missing its mark stupendously. Even the motivation of a quiz at the end that needs to be passed in order to disembark seems to do little to nothing for your dwindling attention span.

    Finally, there’s a break in the bureaucratic monotony. The faceless, droning voice introduces one of the staff currently on Zhautas, Jeneviere. He's assistant to the head scientist, Professor Quintalian, and freshly assigned overseer of new volunteers. He also looks like he absolutely doesn't want to be the one doing this seminar.

    "Come now, Jenny," says a masculine voice off screen. "You promised."
    "I know what I said," he snaps, glaring off camera and not seeming to care much for the fact this is a live feed nor that these new volunteers are expecting something a bit more professional.
    "Then what's the problem?" the voice asks again. As it does, a tentacle wiggles into view and gives a reassuring pat on the deerman's shoulder. "I know for a fact that you like being filmed, Jenny, so really this shouldn't be so daunting-"

    As he speaks, Jeneviere's cheeks suddenly burn red hot. He stands forcefully out of his chair and uses one of those hoofs to kick harshly at the source of the tentacles. There's a very undignified squawk at the attack before the video feed cuts out and a technical difficulties sign is displayed.

    "... Right," the narrator from before says to break the undeniably awkward silence. "Just give us a moment, volunteers, and we'll get a pre-recorded seminar ready for you instead. In the meantime, let's open up communications with the facility and allow you to discuss with those already on the planet about what they've enjoyed most about their time on Zhautas so far?*

  3. Hopefully, you didn't forget about the quiz! The staff certainly didn't. After the pre-recorded seminar is run, papers are handed out. A quiet shuffle carries through the room as people pass them to and fro down the aisles. It all seems rather arbitrary and tedious but remember! You have to pass in order to disembark.

    It isn't too hard. Or maybe it is. Perhaps it's just the pressure that you only have fifteen minutes to complete it. What was the professor's first name again? How many research facilities are there on the planet? Staff are scrutinizing your every move now, it feels like. Do you take the risk and try to whisper for help to the person next to you? Pass notes? Do what you must to succeed! ...Or you can just shamefully take the quiz again and again and again until they're legally obligated to let you off board.
Welcome to Zhautas! (All Players)

Finally, it's time to disembark at the research facility. This time they have the right coordinates so it's as easy as stepping off the ship and to your new home away from home. Or, at least, it should have been that easy...

There's an awful lot of construction going on around here. Several beings with hard hats, power tools, and ridiculous amounts of glue are rushing about. They're shouting orders and saying "excuse me" where they remember to. Still, it can be hard to get a word in edgewise about the fact that you're new volunteers here to check-in. In addition to the construction, there's also an awful lot of important-seeming people walking throughout the facility as well that staff are far more attentive to than you.

In short, it's borderline chaos as you try to get your bearings.

  1. "Bad news, new volunteers," says R.O.S.I.E. in the midst of all the commotion. "We have your housing assignments but there have been some... technical difficulties in preparing the new rooms." There's actually been a lot of technical difficulties, period. Maybe you've already noticed with the lights randomly changing color or dimness, the vending machine that launched your drink at you, or R.O.S.I.E. herself glitching out periodically when responding. The problem with the rooms is that the doors won't open. Or they won't stay closed. Or that they open and close constantly and forcefully so it's a safety hazard. As if everything else going on with all the construction isn't.

    "We're working on it as fast as we can, but for now, we've set up a temporary sleeping situation until its resolved." Everyone will be directed to one of the larger common rooms in the east wing of the facility while the rest of the volunteers are still awaiting their new housing as promised. Mattresses are laid out in rows on the floor. There's plenty of blankets, pillows, and even some LED lights strung around the room to provide some nice ambience.

    Additionally, there's a screen covering one of the walls for a movie to be projected on before bed. R.O.S.I.E. has chosen a thematically appropriate film that was approved by Professor Quintalian himself. Snacks are provided too! It's an old-fashioned sleepover, volunteers. Make a blanket fort, enjoy what's on for your viewing pleasure, and have - most of all - have fun.

  2. What's a sleepover without scary stories? Flashlights have been provided and it's time to get spooky. Here's your chance to share that real thriller that you know from back home. Maybe another world has a similar tale! Either way, there's nothing like bonding over a little healthy fear. Right?

    Or maybe terrifying strangers isn't your idea of a good time and you'd rather make shadow puppets instead. That's also an option! In fact, some people are trying to start a contest out of it to see who can cast the most creative shadows around.

  3. The night staff comes around for one last security sweep. Get some sleep, they say. It's been a long day. Tomorrow might be even longer if they still can't figure out the rooms or where to put all these new volunteers for the time being.

    As nice as that sounds, it's a little easier said than done. Whether it's the construction noise, the person next to you snoring, or late night existential thoughts it's difficult for sleep to find you. Maybe talking to someone might help? Or maybe you just need to go to the bathroom. Good luck crossing the swath of bodies, in the case of the latter, and who knows! You might find someone else having as much trouble sleeping as you that you can commiserate with.

    Or maybe you're the one snoring. Do you happen to kick in your sleep? How unfortunate for the person assigned to the mat next to you. They might be courteous or they might tell you just how obnoxious it is. Whatever the case might actually be, you're likely in for a long first night here at the research facility.
Network/Bangr (All Players)

During all the goings-on, R.O.S.I.E. will prompt you to set up your presence on the network. Pick a username, a profile picture, and commence to shitposting immediately if you so desire! Additionally, if you want to get a headstart on your contribution to the volunteer program, why not set up your Bangr? R.O.S.I.E. even has an icebreaker question ready for you! They change every month. This month's question is:

Do you like wake-up sex or staying up all night?*
(*Despite what you might actually put, know that R.O.S.I.E. is a little glitchy. What you wrote might not actually be what's displayed! I.E., you can totally use this as a misfire type deal in case your character wouldn't answer this question.)


bangr
Professor Quintalian | 35
Do you like wake-up sex or staying up all night?
Wake-up sex is the best, in my opinion. Hormones are more haywire first thing in the morning; it's just scientific sense to get your bang in during wake-up time.

YES
NO


BANGR CODE
Please copy this pastebin for now!

Extra Notes

  • The BANGR code only works in comments, there is a separate code for entries!
    If you're testing this code before posting it here please do so in a comment to an entry for accuracy!

  • TDM top levels are allowed for current characters and/or new characters!
    However, current characters can ONLY interact with the following prompts:
    WELCOME TO ZHAUTAS where new characters are on the planet AND/OR the network options available if they want the thread to be considered game canon.


plebetography: famira @ dw (pic#12306461)

[personal profile] plebetography 2018-06-30 09:46 pm (UTC)(link)
[ You didn’t actually tell her, did you?]

staying strong
just like cindy


[ He’s literally sighing and looking up, hand at his chest. Oh, Miss Cindy, the grip you have on his heart.]

and we’re holding up as much as you can hold up here
i guess













i got kidnapped by a giant bird
kisekae: (in the midnight hour)

[personal profile] kisekae 2018-06-30 09:49 pm (UTC)(link)
-Midare fussed with the pillow, letting out a frustrated whine, before poking his head out over top of it, huffing.-

First of all, I'm not tired. -He technically didn't even need to sleep, but sleeping was good for him, regardless.-

And you don't look tired, either, you know!
wizened: skeletonsheep (Default)

[personal profile] wizened 2018-06-30 09:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Can you explain what that has to do with anything?
I have. You're very beautiful.
It makes me undeniably angry.


[He's not going to explain unless asked. Armand is over five hundred years old but every bit a brat.]
vashoth: (pic#8997795)

[personal profile] vashoth 2018-06-30 09:49 pm (UTC)(link)
[There should always be an emphasis on dragons, okay.]

Seriously? You have friendly dragons? They don't want to chew you up for a nice, toasted side dish? Now that's just bizarre.

[How would you fight an ally dragon? Priorities. He's used to the fire-breathing, nasty beasts of the wild, the creatures they had named the Age after, ancient legends intertwining with Qunari ancestry. But still he is beginning to recognize not every place will be the same.]

I mean, I've seen the world in danger. But nothing on this scale. So why did you agree to help?
Edited 2018-06-30 21:50 (UTC)
leatherdaddy: (pic#11302804)

[personal profile] leatherdaddy 2018-06-30 09:49 pm (UTC)(link)
so camping
inside some kind of facility
no offense but they don't seem exactly ready to process this many uh
volunteers


[ a bird. why does this not fucking surprise him ]

your parents finally showed up huh
mind_of_god: (it's a jungle out there)

[personal profile] mind_of_god 2018-06-30 09:55 pm (UTC)(link)
You'll forgive me for my continued skepticism, I'm sure.

Just what, exactly, are your expectations here aside from a vague idea of "new"?
leatherdaddy: (pic#11302805)

[personal profile] leatherdaddy 2018-06-30 09:58 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Gladio has a habit of wrestling or manhandling people, so forgive the pillow smothering. He laughs good-naturedly at the mussed hair and huffing face that peeks back out though. ]

You know how it is. New place, used to sleeping on the floor of a tent with three other guys.

[ SOUL CRUSHING DARKNESS FILLED WITH THE FOREBODING SOUNDS OF DAEMONSPAWN... ]

So what's your story?
plebetography: famira @ dw (pic#12368991)

[personal profile] plebetography 2018-06-30 09:59 pm (UTC)(link)
no offense taken
they totally aren’t

and wait a second!
no one in *my* family of bird would drop me mid-air!


[ Get it right. ]
bitter_phoenix: Touhou Icon Heaven (Default)

[personal profile] bitter_phoenix 2018-06-30 10:05 pm (UTC)(link)
Forgive? No. Not really care about? Sure. It's what I expected.

And I'm not sure what to expect, other than that it seems like everyone here's kind of perverted. It's strange, to say the least. I've never bothered to think about that sort of thing in over a thousand years.


[And she might not even back then. It was slightly hard to remember that kind of detail from her former life, before she ever knew about Kaguya.]
leatherdaddy: (pic#11180029)

[personal profile] leatherdaddy 2018-06-30 10:06 pm (UTC)(link)
uh I guess not everyone can be this awesome but

[ WELL YES, he's very beautiful and he's glad that they're in agreement there. But more importantly: ]

okay be straight with me
are you some kind of goth
kisekae: (i won't cry for yesterday)

[personal profile] kisekae 2018-06-30 10:09 pm (UTC)(link)
-Midare giggled a bit, straightening out his hair once the pressure from the pillow eased up some. Well, he supposed that was only fair...-

I'm actually kind of used to sleeping situations like this. My and all my brothers share a big room back at the Citadel. That's me and 15 other guys, for the record.

-And honestly, wondering how they were doing was part of what was keeping him up in the first place.-

As for the rest of my story, well... Hmm, I'm not sure how much of it I'm allowed to tell...
mind_of_god: (she was a red hot hoochie-choochah)

[personal profile] mind_of_god 2018-06-30 10:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Really now? Not even you and the schoolteacher? Though Tewi had thought you and the interloping human from the outside world were an item, too. Perhaps we were both mistaken.
Edited 2018-06-30 22:14 (UTC)
leatherdaddy: (pic#11180026)

[personal profile] leatherdaddy 2018-06-30 10:13 pm (UTC)(link)
[ wow just look at this total lack of sympathy, BUT NO REALLY HE'S GLAD PROMPTO IS OKAY. ]

how else are you gonna learn how to fly?

so where in this sea of crowded mattresses are you anyway
soulcaster: (Default)

shallan davar | stormlight archive

[personal profile] soulcaster 2018-06-30 10:16 pm (UTC)(link)
SAY ALOE
01. [ Shaking off the grogginess of her awakening, Shallan is instantly eager to dive into the particulars of the facility. In fact, on the whole walk to the gardens, she's animated and engaging of the staff who are looking for people who need help. If it looks like someone might prefer not to be bothered, she's quick to tap on a shoulder, smiling. ]

Excuse me. Hello. I actually have a few questions about the facility. Did you say that color was ostinguh?

[ And she quickly dissolves into a conversation that not only spares her fellow volunteer, but helps illuminate some of the science of this astonishing new planet she's found herself on. It's wonderful, really. Incredible. ]

02. Oh!

[ Out in the gardens, the nykt blossoms catch her off guard. She's sniffing at one and then suddenly it explodes a big puff of pollen. Really she doesn't need the extra push. She's been chatty to the point of blabbing many of the other volunteers' and staff's ears off the whole time, pathologically curious, but —

Well, now she can take more notes on it. She opens up the canvas bag over her shoulder and pulls out her sketchbook to start drawing the blossoms once she has wiped the remaining pollen away.
]

The effects of the nykt blossom appear to be indiscernible from a yellow wine. [ But, of course, that's just coloring added for the nobility. What a fool she'd felt like learning that. Now she recognizes that it might not be the best measure for whoever she's blabbing too. ] That is, lowered inhibitions, relaxation. Happiness.
ORIENTATION
03. [ The first time Shallan settles in to take her quiz, she turns it over and spends the full fifteen minute period sketching the strange tentacle she'd seen tapping on Jeneviere's shoulder in that video they'd played. It was a lot more interesting, really, than any of the particulars of the assembly, but when one of the staffers tries to take her quiz, she's reluctant to give it up as a result. ]

No! I'll complete it on a different sheet. Let me keep this one. [ And then she's stuffing it into her sketchpad before they can argue. Another sheet comes around and this time she spends only a minute chewing on her pencil before circling the most obvious answers.

Or at least, it looks like she answers it handily. In actuality, she sends the invisible spren Pattern up to the front to read her the answers in his buzzing voice, unnoticeable to anyone but her. She thinks. Anyone with a particular affinity for the natural energies of the universe might actually be able to see him themselves. He is, after all, simply an extraplanar nature spirit of sorts.
]
WELCOME TO ZHAUTAS
[ It is not, shockingly, the first time that a lady like Shallan has gone without a proper bed. It is, however, the first time it's happened indoors in a facility that is ostensibly designed for this kind of thing. She takes it in an impressive stride, but as they settle in for their movie, it's evident that she's not quite comfortable in the way some of the others might be.

The ground is hard. And unpleasant.

Ultimately she winds up sitting on her pillow, fascinated by the movie because it seems in so many ways to be a technology which closely resembles her own magic with stormlight. A good thing too — she's awfully low on stormlight, and it looks like there's no way to recuperate it here. Pattern hasn't stopped warning her since they arrived. However, if there isn't a way to regain it, there might at least be a way to mimic it with this sort of technology.

It's absurd, really, how they power everything here off of electricity the same way that her own society had once used stormlight.

And there is, of course, the result that combines her natural curiosity with her babbling and in the middle of the movie, she blurts out —
] Is she attracted to the fish? Well, that's just ridiculous.
BANGR
bangr
SHALLAN DAVAR | 20
Do you like wake-up sex or staying up all night?
Lacking data to say for sure … I'll have to go with staying up all night. If I'm really excited about something, it's hard for me to put it down. But I'll have to try both to know for sure.

YES
NO
plebetography: ponponpon @ dw (pic#)

[personal profile] plebetography 2018-06-30 10:16 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Prompto certainly hopes so! He’s still raw from this. It keeps happening to him :( ]

uh
not... on the ship
i’m actually near the facility
outside of it
on a rescue mission!
leatherdaddy: (pic#11302831)

[personal profile] leatherdaddy 2018-06-30 10:17 pm (UTC)(link)
Fifteen?!

[ Step aside, Matsuno brothers, this family's three times the size of yours. Holy hell. Just thinking about that makes him need a moment to collect his thoughts. ]

...Your poor mother. [ He needs to get off this topic, and fast. ]

What, you want me to tell you another story and you're gonna wimp out on telling me yours?
leatherdaddy: (pic#11388231)

[personal profile] leatherdaddy 2018-06-30 10:19 pm (UTC)(link)
[ A rescue mission. Thatta boy. ]

so you're camping
without me

i thought we were friends
plebetography: famira @ dw (pic#12309194)

[personal profile] plebetography 2018-06-30 10:21 pm (UTC)(link)
dude!
you have no idea how much i miss camping with you guys
i owe you one
but we might wanna just play pretend in the facility
the creatures here are not cute or friendly
kisekae: (not been alone)

[personal profile] kisekae 2018-06-30 10:22 pm (UTC)(link)
Ah, you see, we don't... technically... have a mother? -He had been dreading this conversation. But Gladio had been so nice to him so far. Ugh...-

We're all brothers because we're all part of the Awataguchi school. Or, to be more precise, we're all products of that school. Literally.

We're swords.

-Or he could just come out and say it with only the barest of context. Sure.-
magneticfields: (amused)

I'M STILL HERE sorry for the late response ;_;

[personal profile] magneticfields 2018-06-30 10:28 pm (UTC)(link)
You can do things with the canned stuff to make it a little more palatable. I can show you sometime, if you like.

[ Luckily, Erik is a man on the tall side of things and is able to reach the shelves that she can't without too much difficulty. And that is where he finds some tumblers that are rather dusty and shaped a little too much like beakers for his taste. But there doesn't seem to be any other option, so he goes to the sink to rinse them out. ]

Less like heathens, more like desperate biology students.

[ He sets the glasses on the counter in front of her so she can pour. ]

So what brings you here? [ He's genuinely curious. She seems a bit proper for how sordid the affair is, as far as he can tell. ]
bitter_phoenix: Touhou Icon Heaven (11)

[personal profile] bitter_phoenix 2018-06-30 10:29 pm (UTC)(link)
[So not comfortable answering that question.]

Like I'm going to tell you that! They aren't here, anyway, so that doesn't matter! Are you trying to get me hooked up or something? And why would I tell you even if I was?!?
Edited 2018-06-30 22:30 (UTC)
mind_of_god: (you could trust me)

[personal profile] mind_of_god 2018-06-30 10:30 pm (UTC)(link)
It's probably an inevitability, so you may as well trust my instincts here, given yours are so underdeveloped.
leatherdaddy: (pic#11180038)

[personal profile] leatherdaddy 2018-06-30 10:35 pm (UTC)(link)
uhhh one word
daemonspawn
remember the snake
real cute and cuddly that one


[ Don't mind him, just going to casually trigger Prompto's monster-related PTSD. ]

but yeah you better
it's so crowded in here we might have a daisy chain of spooning if they keep bringing more volunteers in
bitter_phoenix: Touhou Icon Heaven (14)

[personal profile] bitter_phoenix 2018-06-30 10:36 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm going to really have to do that with one of these loud, obnoxious people, aren't I? I'm not in any hurry to get to that, you know. And what makes you think I'd trust you with this, even if you are more experienced?

And who openly admits that?
leatherdaddy: (pic#11388242)

[personal profile] leatherdaddy 2018-06-30 10:38 pm (UTC)(link)
...

[ Gladio wishes this was the oddest thing he's ever heard. His brows lift for a moment, eyeing him up until he feels somewhat satisfied that he's not pulling his leg. Or if he is, he doesn't care all that much about it. ]

What a coincidence. I happen to use swords. The bigger the better.